Sunday Funnies..

In Memory of all those who love their bosses !

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses’ wife instead.

“I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

 “I told you” the wife replies, “he died last week.”

The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.

 By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, “I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?”

He replied laughing, “I just love hearing it…”

Lawyer versus Policeman

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock Cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow Cop says,    ” License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Glasgow Cop says,    “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says,  “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Glasgow Cop says,     “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and Registration, please.”

London Lawyer says,   “What’s the difference?”

Glasgow Cop says,     “The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says,   “If you can show me the legal difference between slow Down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Glasgow Cop says,     “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow Cop takes out his baton and starts beating the “living daylights” out of the lawyer and says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

On Marriage

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of Chemistry.That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henry Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”  

Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

 Soccer world cup aftermath

An Italian, a German and an Australian soccer fan were arrested in an Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge.

The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration – 20 lashes of the whip to the back. But the Sultan was a big soccer fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each – but they were not allowed to reduce the number of lashes or the type of punishment.

The Italian says “Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I Want the pleasure of a beer and a pillow.”

The Sultan grants his wishes. With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. “I would like to have two pillows for my back”. The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about a bullshit penalty. “Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40.” There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration – obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.

The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish. “Tie the Italian to my back” he replies.

2 Responses

  1. Ahaha i love the quotes about marriage! Keep the jokegrams coming 🙂

    • Will aim to please madame 😉

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