The Old Man Vs Satan
Just minutes before the church service started, the towns people
were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited
the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew
without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying,
physical agony forever?”
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?”, asked Satan.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you
afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 45
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes
across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp
and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has
been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the
blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion,
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and
begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his
feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there’s a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are
two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to
the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck
until he’s dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it’s the two
blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, “I can understand
the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make
love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he
wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.”
Church Bulletin Bloopers
They’re Back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services
01. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
02. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight “Searching for Jesus.”
03. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
03. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
04. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
05. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
06. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
07. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
08. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
09. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
11. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing “Break Forth Into Joy.”
12. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
13. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
14. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
15. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
16. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
17. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
18. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
19. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
20. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
21. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
22. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
23. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
24. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
25. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
26. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
27. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours
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