Well decided it was time to head on back to the zoo and try a few things we hadn’t before. Like a riverboat ride….erm actually a boat ride away in a reservoir! Then the kids wanted to try the manual animal ride! Will never get why parents would want to pay just to let their kids sweat it out on a manual ride?! I paid and I don’t get it…ha ha
Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Hugh Laurie, Will Arnett, Seth Rogen, Kiefer Sutherland, Rainn Wilson, Stephen Colbert, Paul Rudd
Director: Conrad Vernon, Rob Letterman
Yes it is entertaining, hilarious in parts and overall a good movie for a family outing. But somehow I still very much prefer Bolt! I suppose the overall storyline was written and done that way to entertain the kids more.
The Old Man Vs Satan
Just minutes before the church service started, the towns people
were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited
the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew
without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying,
physical agony forever?”
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?”, asked Satan.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you
afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 45
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes
across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp
and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has
been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the
blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion,
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and
begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his
feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there’s a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are
two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to
the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck
until he’s dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it’s the two
blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, “I can understand
the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make
love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he
wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.”
Church Bulletin Bloopers
They’re Back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services
01. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
02. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight “Searching for Jesus.”
03. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
03. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
04. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
05. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
06. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
07. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
08. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
09. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
11. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing “Break Forth Into Joy.”
12. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
13. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
14. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
15. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
16. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
17. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
18. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
19. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
20. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
21. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
22. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
23. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
24. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
25. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
26. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
27. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours
Starring Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, Sam Trammell, Ryan Kwanten,Rutina Wesley,Chris Bauer, Nelsan Ellis, Jim Parrack,Adina Porter,Carrie Preston,Michael Raymond-James,William Sanderson,Alexander Skarsgård,Lynn Collins,Lizzy Caplan,Lois Smith,Stephen Root
I just finished watching the first season of True Blood and while it was a pretty decent Vampire TV series, it still lack the finesse and quality of being the best. In fact it was more sexual then sensual and certain parts of the storyline was a little too far fetched for comfort. But at least it was better than Buffy TVS and Angel etc.etc.etc.
However in my opinion the best Vampire TV Series ever is still KINDRED :The Embraced! Pity the Lead Actor passed on otherwise we would have more than just eight episodes!
Starring Mark Frankel, C. Thomas Howell,Stacy Haiduk,Channon Roe,Jeff Kober,Brigid Walsh,Kelly Rutherford,Patrick Bauchau,Erik King
SEE ALSO NOTES ON THE VAMPIRE SERIES MOONLIGHT
Membership is free! Oh and if you’re already on the heavy side with a paunch then you’re already a member! And if you live in the States, parts of Europe and parts of modern Asia, are overeating and sucking up way too much sugar by way of soft drinks then you’re already a member too!
How did we get this way? Commercials? Movies and Television? Lack of self control? How or when did we start feeding our ‘Emotional hunger’ instead of ‘Physical hunger?’ If we are those who do not like to waste food, then why cook or place too large a portion on our plates to begin with? Does eating while under stress or pain make it go away? Perhaps momentarily but then the problem is still there and guess what? You’ve just added the guilt of eating the food your body DID not need to the equation!
To change we need to first change our mindsets, habits and consciously be aware of our choices for food. Learn about the foods available, natural vs processed etc.etc.etc. Coupled with exercise then you’re on way to a fitter and healthtier lifestyle! Otherwise you can just remain a lifetime member of Club Obesity and perhaps chaulk up enough points to earn yourself a lifetime Platinum membership to Club Fat & Fabulous!!
In Memory of all those who love their bosses !
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses’ wife instead.
“I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
“I told you” the wife replies, “he died last week.”
The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, “I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?”
He replied laughing, “I just love hearing it…”
Lawyer versus Policeman
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock Cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow Cop says, ” License and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Glasgow Cop says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Glasgow Cop says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and Registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Glasgow Cop says, “The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow Down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Glasgow Cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow Cop takes out his baton and starts beating the “living daylights” out of the lawyer and says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of Chemistry.That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Soccer world cup aftermath
An Italian, a German and an Australian soccer fan were arrested in an Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge.
The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration – 20 lashes of the whip to the back. But the Sultan was a big soccer fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each – but they were not allowed to reduce the number of lashes or the type of punishment.
The Italian says “Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I Want the pleasure of a beer and a pillow.”
The Sultan grants his wishes. With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.
The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. “I would like to have two pillows for my back”. The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.
The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about a bullshit penalty. “Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40.” There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration – obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.
The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish. “Tie the Italian to my back” he replies.