Something New At The Zoo

Well decided it was time to head on back to the zoo and try a few things we hadn’t before.  Like a riverboat ride….erm actually a boat ride away in a reservoir! Then the kids wanted to try the manual animal ride! Will never get why parents would want to pay just to let their kids sweat it out on a manual ride?! I paid and I don’t get it…ha ha

Movie – Monsters Vs Aliens

 

Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Hugh Laurie, Will Arnett, Seth Rogen, Kiefer Sutherland, Rainn Wilson, Stephen Colbert, Paul Rudd

Director: Conrad Vernon, Rob Letterman

Yes it is entertaining, hilarious in parts and overall a good movie for a family outing.  But somehow I still very much prefer Bolt! I suppose the overall storyline was written and done that way to entertain the kids more.

Sunday Funnies..

The Old Man Vs Satan

Just minutes before the church service started, the towns people
were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited
the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew
without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in
his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I
am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t” said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even
tone.

“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying,
physical agony forever?”

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And you’re still not afraid?”, asked Satan.

“Nope.”

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you
afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 45
years.”

Blond Genie

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes
across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp
and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has
been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the
blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion,
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and
begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his
feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there’s a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are
two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to
the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck
until he’s dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it’s the two
blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, “I can understand
the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make
love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he
wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.”

Church Bulletin Bloopers

They’re Back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services

01. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

02. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight “Searching for Jesus.”

03. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

03. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

04. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

05. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

06. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

07. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

08. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

09. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

11. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing “Break Forth Into Joy.”

12. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

13. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

14. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

15. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

16. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

17. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

18. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

19. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

20. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

21. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

22. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

23. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

24. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

25. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

26. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

27. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours

Still The Best Vampire TV Series Ever!

Starring Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, Sam Trammell, Ryan Kwanten,Rutina Wesley,Chris Bauer, Nelsan Ellis, Jim Parrack,Adina Porter,Carrie Preston,Michael Raymond-James,William Sanderson,Alexander Skarsgård,Lynn Collins,Lizzy Caplan,Lois Smith,Stephen Root

I just finished watching the first season of True Blood and while it was a pretty decent Vampire TV series,  it still lack the finesse and quality of being the best.  In fact it was more sexual then sensual and certain parts of the storyline was a little too far fetched for comfort.   But at least it was better than Buffy TVS and Angel etc.etc.etc.

However in my opinion the best Vampire TV Series ever is still KINDRED :The Embraced!  Pity the Lead Actor passed on otherwise we would have more than just eight episodes!

Starring Mark Frankel, C. Thomas Howell,Stacy Haiduk,Channon Roe,Jeff Kober,Brigid Walsh,Kelly Rutherford,Patrick Bauchau,Erik King

 

SEE ALSO NOTES ON THE VAMPIRE SERIES MOONLIGHT

Club Obesity

Membership is free! Oh and if you’re already on the heavy side with a paunch then you’re already a member! And if you live in the States, parts of Europe and parts of modern Asia, are overeating and sucking up way too much sugar by way of soft drinks then you’re already a member too!

How did we get this way? Commercials? Movies and Television? Lack of self control? How or when did we start feeding our ‘Emotional hunger’ instead of ‘Physical hunger?’ If we are those who do not like to waste food, then why cook or place too large a portion on our plates to begin with? Does eating while under stress or pain make it go away? Perhaps momentarily but then the problem is still there and guess what? You’ve just added the guilt of eating the food your body DID not need to the equation!

To change we need to first change our mindsets, habits and consciously be aware of our choices for food. Learn about the foods available, natural vs processed etc.etc.etc. Coupled with exercise then you’re on way to a fitter and healthtier lifestyle! Otherwise you can just remain a lifetime member of Club Obesity and perhaps chaulk up enough points to earn yourself a lifetime Platinum membership to Club Fat & Fabulous!!

Grizzly Little John Wetsuit

My latest purchase of which I am very happy with…literally fits like a glove! Oh by the way testing out WordPress’s latest feature. Post via Email! Just love them guys!

Sunday Funnies..

In Memory of all those who love their bosses !

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses’ wife instead.

“I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

 “I told you” the wife replies, “he died last week.”

The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.

 By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, “I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?”

He replied laughing, “I just love hearing it…”

Lawyer versus Policeman

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock Cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow Cop says,    ” License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Glasgow Cop says,    “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says,  “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Glasgow Cop says,     “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and Registration, please.”

London Lawyer says,   “What’s the difference?”

Glasgow Cop says,     “The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says,   “If you can show me the legal difference between slow Down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Glasgow Cop says,     “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow Cop takes out his baton and starts beating the “living daylights” out of the lawyer and says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

On Marriage

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of Chemistry.That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henry Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s
wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”  

Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

 Soccer world cup aftermath

An Italian, a German and an Australian soccer fan were arrested in an Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge.

The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration – 20 lashes of the whip to the back. But the Sultan was a big soccer fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each – but they were not allowed to reduce the number of lashes or the type of punishment.

The Italian says “Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I Want the pleasure of a beer and a pillow.”

The Sultan grants his wishes. With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. “I would like to have two pillows for my back”. The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about a bullshit penalty. “Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40.” There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration – obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.

The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish. “Tie the Italian to my back” he replies.

Movie – Angels & Demons

Starring: Tom Hanks, Ewan McGregor, Ayelet Zurer, Stellan Skarsgaard, Pierfrancesco Favino, Nicolaj Lie Kaas, Armin Mueller-Stahl

Director: Ron Howard
Screenwriter: David Koepp, Akiva Goldsman
Producer: Brian Grazer, Ron Howard, John Calley
Composer: Hans Zimmer
Studio: Columbia Pictures

I was hoping to finally visualise all that I read from the book and while I was quite pleased with what I saw on screen, I expected so much more!  The book is definitely a way better read than the script! Go figure….

Okay first I must say that I do adore Tom Hanks as an actor and was glad that he ‘worked out’ (Trimmer and fitter) for this role.  However in my opinion he was clearly a wrong choice to play Professor Langdon, I thought so in ‘Da Vinci Code’ but it is more obvious in this one.

There was zero chemistry with the lead actress and so thank heavens there was NO hint of a romance in this one because it would have been like, lighting a match in a rainstorm!

Then there is the pace of the movie which beckons to move swifter than the casts can keep up….Okay I guess Ron Howard is to be blamed for this.

Overall it is still quite entertaining thanks to the rest of the casts Ewan McGregor, Ayelet Zurer, Stellan Skarsgaard, & Armin Mueller-Stahl who gave convincing performances.

Ayelet Zurer

Malaysia’ First Case Of H1N1 Flu

On Channel News Asia

 The government has urged all passengers who travelled on Malaysian Airlines flight MH091 from Newark in the United States to Kuala Lumpur, that landed at 7.15am on May 13 to contact the ministry for further instructions.

Movie – Star Trek 2009

  

Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban, Simon Pegg, Eric Bana, Anton Yelchin, Zoe Saldana, John Cho, Leonard Nimoy, Bruce Greenwood, Ben Cross, Winona Ryder

Director: J.J. Abrams
Screenwriter: Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci
Producer: J.J. Abrams, Damon Lindelof
Composer: Michael Giacchino
Studio: Paramount Pictures

Yes I am a Trekkie! And I was worried intially that this new movie would spoil it for me.   You see I grew up watching Star Trek and was amazed at the insights into the future by Gene Roddenberry and at the same time developed a fondness for the characters he created.   Speaking of insights….in one of the episodes of Star Trek in the early 60s you can see the initial concept of the Fax machine when Kirk receives an ‘incoming message’ and a piece of paper come through some kind of machine!

J.J. Abrams does us proud and although the movie is not without flaw, it is quite close to perfect for me!  The casts were incredibly well chosen and did a wonderful job! 

In you were never a fan before, this movie might just change that and you’ll boldly go where you’ve never before!

Saturday & Sunday Funnies

Oh Fanny Girl

An Irish daughter  had not been home for over 5 years.
 
Upon her return, her  father cussed her.  “Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write  to us, not even al line?  Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not  understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
 
The girl, crying,  replied,  “Sniff, sniff…. I became a  prostitute…” “Ye what!!?   Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!  You’re a disgrace to this  family.”
 
“OK, dad, as ye  wish.  I just came back to give mum this  luxurious fur coat, title deed  to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for $3  million.  For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye  daddy, the sparkling new  Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a  membership to the country club…(takes a breath) and an invitation for ye  all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the  Riviera, and  ….”
 
“Now what was it ye  said ye had become?” says dad.
 
Girl, crying  again,  “Sniff, sniff… a prostitute, dad! Sniff,  sniff.”
 
“Oh! Be Jesus!   Ye scared me half to death, girl!  I thought ye said a Protestant.   Come here and give yer old man a hug!”

 

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With Love From Oz

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

=======================================================

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it.

Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule?(USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?(Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where thefemale population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

 

Movie X-Men Origins

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Dominic Monaghan, Ryan Reynolds, Taylor Kitsch, Will.I.Am, Lynn Collins, Kevin Durand, Daniel Henney

Director: Gavin Hood

I am a little torn about this one, I enjoyed the movie for what it is worth in the sense that it unravels  alot of the mystery surrounding the Wolverine.  But on the other hand I expected a whole lot more! 

First off it starts off almost the same way ‘Watchmen’ did, as in how ‘Wolverine’ moved through the years starting off as a young boy then evolving into a permanent adult male thereafter.  ( I know it’s …a little strange and not explained)

Then as you move along the storyline the plot seems to thin instead of thicken in my opinion and while the CGI and special effects were adequate, it makes you wonder all the same time…couldn’t they have done better? Especially with the fight sequences!?

Well for true X-men fans I am sure it must be a little disappointing, but for all others I am quite sure you’d enjoy this movie even though it is a little dark compared to it’s predecessors and not as fun!